Ubuntu: Togetherness Gets Us Through

Ubuntu: Togetherness Gets Us Through

I would not have made it through the first months after my son passed without the support of others, from grief counselors to trauma therapists, grief support groups, and my close friends.

When I heard about Ubuntu for the first time, I immediately thought of my own deep-rooted desire for community connection. Nelson Mandela describes Ubuntu with, “…the profound sense that we are human only through the humanity of others; that if we are to accomplish anything in this world it will in equal measure be due to the work and achievement of others.”  In that sense, Ubuntu means that "I am because you are.”

Thanks to such humanity, the support from others, I did survive the hardest days in my life. Life’s ups and downs demand strong anchors that carry us through; it is the connection between people that holds us through times of loss and desperation, just as those connections bring meaning to sharing joyful celebrations.

The old saying, “It takes a village,” has resonated deeply after my divorce: I felt alone, disconnected and not belonging. Alex was 4.5 years old at the time, and the stress from the hostility of the divorce made me long for the big extended family that I never really had. I imagined having elders who would tell me, “It is ok, you will get through this, we are here for you, you are not alone.” While I have established my extended family over the years, I definitely know what it is like to live through the painful loneliness of lacking such tribe when in times of need.

What does ‘a village’ actually mean? Community is about connections between people, from extended family, to friends, neighbors, coaches, teachers, and community members from various walks of life. Those are caring adults that provide a safe place for children to grow up. All of them together create this invisible network of people that help us to develop a sense of rootedness, connection and belonging. Such community allows children to orient around their caring adults, not just their parents alone.

I often reflect how life would have been different had I had this protective village in the difficult years after the divorce. My son struggled extensively and became increasingly anxious over time, but we had no extended family to support us. Maybe such a network of caring adults who were not entangled in the drama of the divorce may have made a difference for my son’s upbringing. It would have provided Alex with an additional space of unconditional love and sense of belonging.

Science shows us the evidence that growing up in a safe and supportive community fosters resilience and decreases stress, while offering emotional and real-life support, leading to greater well-being and belonging.

While there are a few lucky families who have their village in place, many of us do not. The nuclear family in today’s world is rather small and isolated with extended families living apart or out of state. And modern life’s demands bring along challenges, from economic pressures and high divorce rates, to the difficulties related to childcare, preschool, etc.

Looking back at my own childhood days, I remember living in a neighborhood where families were connected with each other. My family, for example, celebrated New Year’s Eve together with our neighbor families, alternating homes for various parts of the evening and us kids having a blast. We would spend the afternoons playing outdoors with various parents checking in on us periodically. And sometimes playdates would end with having dinner at my neighbors, a treat I especially enjoyed. On school mornings, parents would alternate walking us kids to school during the early grade years. When my parents went out at night, they would ask our next-door neighbors to check in on us. Even our neighborhood grocery store and butcher were familiar with the families around. They knew our names and we kids felt at ease. All of that interconnectedness seemed normal and not out of the ordinary at the time. How times have changed.

Can we recreate such village structure in our modern communities? After I talked about my son’s story in a recent family circle event, one mom did ask about exactly that. During my talk I had mentioned the loss of village structure, and how that was to my son’s great disadvantage, leading to unhealthy early peer orientation. This mom represents many other parents who are overwhelmed trying to solve the many challenges parents are facing today. I always refer to a book I consider a Must-Read, HOLD ONTO YOUR KIDS, written by Gordon Neufeld, PhD and Gabor Mate, MD. It talks about the influence of peers in today’s digitalized world, and how it replaces parents in the lives of children, and what parents can do about it.

Besides this book, the Neufeld Institute (www.neufeldinstitute.org) has excellent resources. One article talks about building parent relationships in their school district. When parents connect, they can create social family events, organizing regular meetings, as well as playdates between their families. Over time such village-like structure can help parents to feel less alone, share childcare, address school issues and even build life-long friendships. One local mother, Laurie Dubin, created Be The Influence, an organization that supports and educates parents about today’s challenges. It addresses how to protect teens while also building a communal “protective shield” where parents know about their kids’ friends and who they hang out with.

In a time of increased loneliness from societal fragmentation and digitalization, it seems of most importance, if not urgency, to talk about how we can reconnect and restore some of the ‘good old’ communal interconnectedness with less time depending on screens for making friends. Our kids are like the canaries in the coal mines; when they struggle with mental health and loneliness, it is a true wake-up call for all of us. Each child suffering impacts the community at large.

Can we build a healthier, safer and more interconnected environment that allows kids to grow up with a sense of security and belonging; and in which parents don’t have to carry the burden of raising a family on their own but can lean into each other for support?

It all begins with the desire to become more connected, followed by the willingness to reach out to each other, and, together, create a village. One pocket of our community at a time.

Can more of us share this vision and hope for a brighter future, rooted in togetherness?

Humanity is a quality we owe to each other.

Are you ready to recreate your village?

Ubuntu.